So, I’ve spent the past day contemplating where to start my story…to be honest I still haven’t decided. I am just going to write and let my story tell itself.
My gorgeous girl was born on a Wednesday night, if you are a Mom, you know the overwhelming love you feel in those first few days. I spent the next 2 days in hospital, which normally would have drove me bonkers, as I am NOT a sit still kind of girl! But I didn’t mind so much, as I literally just held and stared in awe at this incredible little person that I brought into this world! The next few weeks were the typical sleepless whirlwind of being a new parent.
When Baby D was 3 weeks old, I got a call to go for yet another appointment, this one for her newborn hearing screening. These typically are done in hospital but the nurse who perfrorms them was off while I was there. Any new parent knows the stress of getting a baby off to an appointment, is she going to cooperate? Will she need to nurse while I’m there? I remember thinking the whole way there, please please please sleep Baby D! She did NOT sleep! In fact she did the opposite of sleep, she fussed, she cried, she was NOT my little princess that day! They did the test anyways, she got what they call a “refer” meaning she needed to be referred to an audiologist. The tech performing the test reassured me that they get these often, it could be caused by fluid in ear (they do live in water for 9 months before birth) or it could be machine malfunction, and since she was so fussy that day it could simply be from that.
The moment she got that “refer” test result, I knew! Things from my pregnancy came rushing back to me, the 2 weddings I had attending, dancing away and not once feeling the baby kicks that “everyone” feels when around loud sounds during pregnancy… I even remember asking my midwife after one wedding, why my baby hadn’t responded to the music. Her response, was, babies are so cushioned in there, its not loud to them. I remember being skeptical but thought “OK”. How about the fact that I once vacuumed for 2 hrs straight during my pregnancy (it was my job- I was a maid-not some sort of maniac vaccuumer) and my sweet baby bump didn’t respond at all? Yep, from that ” refer” moment, I definitely knew! I bundled my sweet Baby D back into her car seat, while the tech assured me over and over, it didn’t mean anything for sure and reschedule another test for the following week. I stayed composed the whole time, although I can’t promise that my face didn’t scream, I just want to be alone with my baby! I got Baby D in the car and immediately called her Daddy who had to work that day, the moment I heard his voice, I completely and wholely broke down. I sat there sobbing into the phone, with my cranky, baby fussing in the background. I couldn’t even talk. My poor man, repeatedly asking, WHAT is wrong?? By the time I gathered myself up enough to talk he was in near panick mode. I half sobbed, half screamed at him, “She can’t hear me, tell her I Love her!” I explained everything that happened and he reassured me, it’ll be OK. Let’s see what happens, after they test her again. It didn’t matter to me, I knew.
Fast forward a week, same test (this time my princess was back – Thank Goodness) Same result. The tech, looked at me and again reassured me that it didn’t mean anything – this time she was less convincing. We were referred to a pediatric audiologist, unfortunately the closest one to us was 2 hrs away and our appointment wasn’t until Dec 23, a whole 3 weeks away! What a LONG 3 weeks!
Talk about an emotional rollercoaster!! Feeling like I knew she had hearing loss, everyone telling me not to get ahead of myself, not to mention still coming to grips with being a new mom. The thing I remember most is just wanting everyone to leave me and my little family alone. Quit asking g me questions I can’t answer, quit looking at my beautiful baby differently! I wanted a bubble to keep us all safe, from the outside world.
I would be lying to you and myself if I said there weren’t still days, that I felt exactly like that!
Mom-of-a-Deafie 